In every season

Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve last updated. So many things have happened since then. Most significantly – thank God for the safe delivery of Eleanor and the blessing that he has given us.

Decided to come back and journal because Motherhood has been challenging. It wasn’t the rosy loving picture that I’ve expected- in saying that , I look back now and think what a naive soul i was… haha

I’m journalling now because it hit me earlier that when I look back all that I remember of the past 7 weeks was that they were hard. but then I have to remind myself that God has blessed us with this child (one that we’ve been yearning for) but here I am getting annoyed and upset at her for now living up to my expectations. I’ve come to realise that I want Ella to be the textbook ideal perfect child. To be sleeping independently in her cot for long stretches (At 7 weeks hmm-mm) just so I can be doing my own things. I get annoyed and particularly anxious when she can’t and i google and talk to people to find out what I can do to remedy this. I’ve searched and tried so many things and it’s been making me more and more anxious. But when I stop and reflect on why- it’s because I want my time and space (not wrong in that) but I want it to the extent that I’m resenting her for being “fussy and demanding”. What a selfish sinner I am.

All that more I’ve realised that I need to rely on God’s grace and future grace. That even if we get 3 hours of sleep tonight, I trust that God will see us through – whether it is giving us strength or giving us friends that we can call on to help us. Whether or not she builds bad sleeping habits now, is going to be inconsequential in the big scheme of things because what’s most important is to point Ella to the gospel and keep praying that by God’s grace- she will call Him her Lord and Saviour.

It’s sooo easy to be distracted by worldly earthly things through this motherhood gig- without even realising it. I’ve come to realised how much I’ve relied on myself and my googling knowledge to try and “control” Ella- when really I should be bringing my fears and anxiety to the one who created her even before I knew her.

So I’m writing this to remind myself to loosen up- to remember that it’s not about having a perfect child or to have uninterrupted sleeps (although that will definitely be nice). But to remember to love and steward this blessing that God has given us and to constantly be reminded of what’s most important in Ella’s life and to surrender my anxieties and cares daily to the God who cares not just for her but for me as well.

Motherhood is hard that’s for sure, it challenges my sanctification but at the same time I’m going to remind myself of the joy that this little chubby puff-face has brought us 🙂

Looking Back

I wrote this post last year when I reflected back on our journey on beansy’s expected due date. Highly emo and nothing much that is new. But just putting it here to remind me of how God saw us through the ups and downs in life.

The hope and comfort in the journey of infertility and grief.

28^th Dec 2017 – 8 months ago, Andrew and I were rejoicing at the thought that we would be meeting our little baby girl today.

It has been a trying journey for us as we stumbled and struggled through the journey of infertility. It just has never been something that has ever crossed my mind. In my naivety and self-entitlement, I had always thought that having a baby was easy – I mean, that’s what people do or so I thought. Month after month, I got excited and waited to see if there would be a double line on the window, then it slowly turned into a year and then two. It was (and still is) a time filled with different medical interventions, hope, disappointment and tears. I never understood why it was so hard. Then I started struggling on a different level when friends started posting pregnancy announcements and hosting baby showers. Baby bumps seemed to be popping everywhere, just not with us. Why did it seem so easy for them?

When it finally happened, we were so excited! I was talking to baby throughout the day, making plans for what we would do together. Knowing that it would be a summer baby, I was ready for cute sleeveless onesies. Really, just knowing that we’d finally been blessed with a baby filled me with a joy that was indescribable.

Then, on our 6^th week scan, we were told that baby was measuring one week behind. Our doctor informed us it could go either way- either baby will catch up or something wasn’t right. Similarly for the 7^th week scan, baby grew one week, but was still measuring one week behind. Finally, on the 8^th week scan – and I remember that day so clearly – lying down in the doctor’s office, looking at the ultrasound machine, not seeing a heart beat on the screen. John tried so hard to look for it, to hear a heart beat and to give us a glimmer of home. Unfortunately, all he could say was “I’m sorry”.

So the little one in this photo is our little girl whom we’ve nicknamed – Beansy. It’s taken a while for me to write this. Firstly, because I was too prideful to admit that I didn’t have a “perfect” life – that my life wasn’t as held together as I wanted it to be. Secondly, because I didn’t want to face the awkwardness of what people would say to me plus I never thought people would understand. But it’s precisely because of these reasons that I’m writing this today.

For you, you and the someone you know who is going through the grief and disappointment of infertility or the loss of a loved one, I really want you to know that you’re not alone in this deep dark tunnel. That, in the midst of pain, the nights of sobbing and crying yourself to sleep, the heavy burden of carrying the grief around, this is not the end. There is a comfort and hope in the knowledge that through the storms in the life, you have a shelter in Christ. Even in the times of despair, cling on to the hope that there is something far greater that God has prepared for you. It may not come in the form of a child or of the good news that you’re hoping for, but it is a promise that the loving God who created the universe, knows exactly what you’re feeling and sees each tear that falls. He has loved us with a love that’s never ending and given us a sure hope of the glory and good that is to come through Christ. So if you ever need someone to talk to, cry with or just simply to sit with, I’m writing this simply to reach out and let you know that you don’t need to go through this alone. I’m not perfect and there are days when I still struggle and grieve and worry about the what-ifs, but I know that I’m not alone in this and that you aren’t too.

I’m not the best writer, but I’ve found that it’s helped me to let everything out when I blog. So if you want to read about my struggles and joys (it’s not always updated though), feel free to head over to iamyoursevermore.wordpress.com.

Till then, I’ll be here if you need me.

 

 

God’s hand in every little thing.

So much to write, but for now. this line brought me to tears tonight.

“Yes –  you just caught me at changi airport about to catch a plane – it must be a God moment!”

Dr Meagan Best

Thanking God that He is in control over the big and small things.

Put your armour on

Some days the weight of despair and hopelessness just feels so crushing. It felt like the longest night ever last night as I tried to process everything that happened (or rather not happened again) and just come to terms with it.

it made me question what we were waiting for and if it really was worth it. Even if we were to wait and try again, what’s the point if it was going to result in just crushed hopes.

But then I had to keep reminding myself that my ultimate hope is it in having children. My ultimate hope has been secured and promised in Christ and the knowledge that one day we will be in a new place where brokenesss, grief, pain and death will no longer reign.

It’s so hard now to even think about that but I know if I don’t keep speaking truth to myself and let the thoughts take charge, it’ll send me back down the spiral again.

But for now, please pray with and for me as I try and bring my grief and pain to God, know that He is good and will continue to be at work in every single aspect of my life.

 

 

 

let’s journey on

Soo a week by I thought out loud to Andrew. I was wondering if it’s worth doing PGT for the next embryo- just in case there’s another chromosomal abnormality and baby 2 doesn’t survive again. My theory was that at least I’ll know right from the start and wouldn’t be so attached.

And i just left it and it hit me a few days ago how selfish that was. Thank God for that. Hidden within all my justifications- the plain truth was that “if baby wasn’t perfect, I wouldn’t love it with all my heart”. who am I to dictate whether I’ll love baby more or not? Regardless of whether I see him/her on this side or the other side of eternity, it should not determine much i love him/her. God didn’t give up on me because I’m perfect. Instead, He sent Jesus to deal with the price of my sins and imperfections.

So here goes to another journey ahead.

Time flies but stand stills at the same time

How can it nearly been a month since everything happened? It’s like woah- life has been crazy, work, netball, church and QTC- that’s all taken up a huge chunk of time. Which on one hand is good, because busyness stops me from thinking lots. But at the same time, in those quiet still moments, it all comes back.

I find myself going into moments of sadness sometimes- feels like it just hits me and then i carry that sadness around. More often than not, it ends up in tears on Andrew’s shirt hehe. But it’s ok. I get reminded alot by articles that people share on facebook (all these articles that become encouragements) that my holiness is more important than my happiness. That God is moulding and transforming me and it will be worth it.

But at the end of it all, if there’s one thing that I take away from this, is that this world is not our home. This is not what we are meant for and I’m looking forward to the hope that we have and the home that we can head towards. Of course that selfish part of me is looking forward to heave where we can finally not just be with God but with beansy too xx

a kinda closure

Got a call from John C on Wed night- totally unexpected because I didn’t expect the chromosome analysis to be out so early.

But beansy was found to have triple chromosome 16- trisomy chromosome 16 which means it’s a definite death no matter what. It’s been kind of a relief to find out what went wrong, but yet that dull ache when I realise this only happens in 1% of all pregnancies. And i’m like really? what are the chances? the chances are me, right here.

Also found out that I was wrong. Clearly Mother’s instinct not strong here haha.

Beansy is a girl!
I thought about it that night and realised I am looking forward to seeing Beansy in heaven. And I had this image of her in a dark blue sleeveless dress (with those ribbons that you tie at the back) running towards me. I can’t wait for that moment.

Clearly sounds crazy, but really i’ll just be happy to see her again ❤

 

life goes on.

So it’s been a while since I’ve written in here.

So many things has happened. Feels like 2 weeks ago was a different life altogether. I catch myself wishing and thinking sometimes of going back to how things were. But the painful reality is that it can’t. I’m still coming to terms with it. Getting on with life and knowing that though things aren’t fine, it will be fine.

I woke up feeling really bitter and upset one day. all boils down to not being content and comparing my life with others. And it felt like I’m never going to be able to feel anything other than bitterness.

But thank God for QTC’s lectures (i really think it’s been a God sent this semester) and for Tuesday’s BS on the hole in our holiness. I got reminded that no, I don’t have to feel bitter. That i’ve been given a new life/image because of Christ and that allows me to make the choice that’s God glorifying, not one that’s of envy and bitterness. So thankful that God has put all these safe-guards (kinda) in place to remind me that I can be more than this, and to be reminded to strive to be more than this and not to wallow in my sin and pity. What an encouragement and comfort xx

a week down.

what a weird week it has been. It feels like so much has gone on, that life has gone by too quick, but yet it’s only *just* been a week.

So I literally spent the whole weekend crying, but I felt so much better after having a long chat with Andrew on Sunday night. Also, going through Nancy Guthrie’s book of hope has helped so much. It’s so comforting to see that in Scripture, there are writers/psalmists who have felt the same way as me. the grief to the point of death- but yet there is hope.

Some days are definitely harder than others. Some days, I go through them contended and comforted knowing that beansy is in heaven and he’s so well taken care and loved by God. Some days I grieve so much for this little one that I’ll never get to hold. More often than not, I’ve asked God to just take care of beansy (like as if i even need to ask!) and to show me if possible how happy and loved beansy is. I know it sounds schizo but thank God that he won’t judge me for my crazy thoughts.

It’s crazy how I can be so attached to this little one when we’ve only been together for 9 weeks (or 7 weeks physically). But i’ve realised that we’ve done so much together. We’ve played netball, did HIIT, gone on many a gelato trips, ate lots of churros, disliked meat (the horrors!), ate tons of digestive biscuits, gone to a movie, went to work, prayed together as a family, squeezed on to the bed all 5 of us and so many more. I’ve realised how much plans i’ve actually made with beansy in mind for our future for the rest of the year and that all came crashing down. It reminded me of Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.“

So often I catch myself thinking of beansy and how much I miss him. Those are the moments where I’ll burst into tears and sob into Andrew’s chest. And then I wonder, will these moments get lesser, will I miss him that bit less as time goes by. Is it ok then to miss him less? pretty sure I won’t forget him, but I have no doubt that this pain too will subside. Sometimes I get bitter and ask God, why me? Why is it so easy for others to have kids and have smooth pregnancies? Why is it a doubly whammy for us? But then who am I to question God and shake my fist at Him, when he has showered blessings upon me day in and day out. I do get flashbacks though, of being in John’s office, sitting opposite him in the chair and telling him i’m scared because everything seems too ok and his face that got it and said “you feel too well to be pregnant” and the other flashback which comes back the most often, of the ultrasound screen and seeing nothing flashing and not hearing anything and having John said “i’m sorry”. That has been the most painful and yet most frequent flashback that I’ve been having.

But in the midst of going through this tunnel, I’m so thankful for amazing friends, family and colleagues even though it’s only been a very small group of people that I’ve spoken with. For those who send their love and care to us, for praying with and for us, for friends who send flowers and cook delicious food and nutritious soup for me , for time spent being just “normal” and for just being there. I’ve been showered with so much love that even I’m in awe of the amazing people that God has put in my life.

Such a long rant! but in summary, it’s hard, I still miss and think of beansy lots, but God is still good and we’re very very loved by Him and His people. xx

 

 

it never leaves

what a surreal 3 days. Some parts of the day I feel that I’m strong enough to be able to say life goes on and it’s ok. And then before I know it, it all comes back and I crumble into a heap of tears. The only thing that’s keeping me going is knowing that beansy is in a better place than here and I know that. but it doesn’t make missing him any easier. Without realising, I’d made so many plans already with beansy in the next 12 months and not only am I grieving the lost of beansy but also the lost of the future and hopes for and with him.

I know that this gets easier and I do want it to get easier. But for now, there are parts of the day that seems a little grey and bleak, but I know that through the rain and the storm, I have a shelter in Christ.